To be honest, I feel a little off of late, things are happening around me and I can't do anything about them. I like to have control in my life and if I don't, that leaves me feeling out of sorts....somewhat helpless.
People I care about are suffering and I can't do anything to help.I guess this is like a 'Dear diary' as well as my craft space.
I'm not one to show my feelings, I like to look like I am coping even if i'm not...it's what mum's do isn't it! It feels strange to know that anyone can read what I am writing because I prefer to bottle up my emotions than to share them. Nobody wants to seem weak!
I have been thinking for a little while now about whether to make this more than just about what I make and to let you get to know me better as a person, what makes me tick, what makes me mad, happy, sad. I have made the desicion to make this blog more personal, not just about what I make, but how I feel.
It isn't an easy desicion because, well it just isn't. I fear personal opinions due to confrontation, I never want to offend anyone or let people in. Not sure why, maybe along this road I will discover the reason. I am not the best of writers, I find it hard to put into words how I feel and maybe that is one of the reasons, imagery is easier, I post up a pic, write a sentance and I'm done.
I read other blogs and they are so lovely and personal and I feel like I know that person and yet only through reading their posts.
Since having Harrison and becoming a mum, I do feel that I have lost part of who I am. Sounds strange to read it out loud, to admit it. You become so busy thinking about someone else that you neglect yourself. Everything is about that little child that you care for and it's hard to make time for yourself. I used to care about how I left the house...now I quickly put a brush through my hair, tie it back with an elastic band, grab my faithful ol pair of jeans, stick on a top and connies and I'm done. Eventhough I am not one for looking high mantinance and never have, I wish I could make more of an effort. I tore an article from a mag after having Harrison and I have it up on the mirror at home.It says 'If you let yourself go it's your own fault'...it's very true, I have let myself go and it is my own fault. I wonder how many other mums feel/felt like this!
If I haven't made an effort, I feel less confident, but I don't have the time or energy to do anything about it. If your a mum you know what it's like. You get dressed, clean clothes and within five minutes their dirty, little hands wiping their fingers clean, dribble,food, drink and you wonder why you bothered. I used to accessorise...my accessory now is a nappy bag.
Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change my situation for the world, I love being a mum,watching Harrison grow into this little person who I couldn't be without. But I do miss a little bit of Sarah.
Maybe I should stop moaning, see this is the problem...I question whether or not to post this!. How will I come across, will I sound awful, selfish, ungrateful? Should I even post it? Maybe I'll just stick to a pic and a sentance!
If having Harrison means looking like a tramp from here on in, then so be it, but can't I have both? How do you mums do it,...answers on a postcard!
I have added a couple of pics...so it's not all blah, blah blah....
Have a great weekend...sounds like the summers finally coming!
If I were you, I'd tear down that article! (Particularly) women are made to feel rubbish if they don't keep up with 'the stars'...loose weight quickly after a birth, do this, achieve that! It must the most amazing achievement to have given birth and that child is the most precious commodity; go hang being 'perfect'. So, some days you may go out looking like you've been dragged thru' a hedge backwards(!), so what? When you feel more 'together', you'll do your slap, put on some fancy outfit and feel fabulous!
ReplyDeleteIt is a brave step to blog how you 'feel', not a sign of weakness. And the support and feedback I've had from fellow bloggers has been amazing.
Maybe start a 2nd, private blog, just to regulary write down what you feel. I think that a blog would work differently than a diary in some way, even if you know that it is not being made public.
If you find it helps keep doing it, if it doesn't you can always hit the delete button!
Have a great weekend. We have a 'vintage jumble' to go to tomorrow, can't wait!
Z xx
I'm so glad you posted this. I have the opposite problem in that I have told EVERYTHING on my blog and sometimes I feel a little vulnerable about that. However, I am a heart on my sleeve girl so my blog reflects that.
ReplyDeleteNow I do happen to have a little advice on the clothes thing. I swear by dresses. I wasn't a big dress wearer before kids. I felt they were too special occasiony. But I have grown to love the fact that a jersey patterned frock works miracles. They are flattering, they wash easily, they look great with botts and a cardi in the Winter and sweet with pumps and connies in the summer. You don't even have to think about what to coordinate the top with the bottm as they are all in one. They are stretchy so you don't ever get the biting waist band. I get mine from ebay usually. I search for Monsoon dress 10 or boden dress 10 or Cath Kidston dress 10 and its amazing what bargains come up.
I never thought I'd wear dresses all the time. But then I never thought I'd lose myself in motherhood either. However like you I did. But, hopefully unlike you, it took a bit of a breakdown (ok, a complete break down!) to be able to make a few changes for the better.
Anyway I'm rambling now and I have a few bits and bobs to do this evening before I can flop. One of which is fling a frock in the washing machine and hang it up so I can wear it tomorrow.
xxx
ps. Bright lipstick fools people into thinking you've really groomed yourself too!