|photo by chris patience http://www.patience.se/|
I know...not the beginings of a creative project, more a rant about feeling sorry for myself and my son!
Throughout my pregnancy I was adamant that I would breast feed my baby no matter what.
My son was here, but where was my milk. A new baby and no knowledge of what to expect when nature does not take it's course. You have boobs therefore you have milk!! My little Harrison ended up jaundice. I was in hospital from the Sunday to the Thursday....they were keeping an eye on us and the small matter that there were not enough staff to discharge me!
Don't get me wrong I am not having a dig at the midwives, they are a godsend...over worked and under paid. But the frustrating thing was not one of them was listening to me in the hospital or had the time to listen when I was explaining that me and my baby couldn't latch on..they thought that I was being impatient. One thing I am not is impatient! I crochet!!
Harrison went on to formula to build him up and finally a breast feeding specialist was sent to help me, but still no milk.....even the pump couldn't find it!
Finally I was sent home and once again I was helped by a midwife to latch Harrison on...
...it didn't last and I had to go back to the formula with much annoyance.
I tried again this week to put him back on the breast and hallelujah it worked....I dreamed of this moment and I cried with joy that maybe I could carry on for the next 5 months giving my son what he needed, but my joy soon turned to heartache when I realised I had to let it go.The pain was just too unbearable and I had been beaten by nature.
I have continued to beat myself up at not being able to breast feed my baby. I feel as though I have failed him, something so natural that I cannot supply as a mother and isn't that what we are here for to give our children what they need.
It's a terrible place to be as a mother to feel that you have failed.
As women we have breast feeding drummed into us, but nobody tells you what to do when it goes wrong and no leaflets or books say well done for trying....only my family and I guess they are the most important ones!
Motherhood makes you feel delicate and vulnerable, but at the same time elated.
In the beginning. I felt as though one blow and I'd disperse into a thousand pieces. Day by day it's getting easier and I can enjoy my son.I have never felt so many emotions and only now realise what every mum goes through. We all deserve a medal, especially you mum! Thank you for everything.